corporate lingo

Here is a little clarification of corporate lingo J

Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well; a couple
of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Must be deadline oriented:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtimes required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties will vary:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been

No phone calls please:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem-solving skills a must:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or

Good communication skills:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I am honest, hardworking and dependable:
I pilfer office supplies.

My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I am personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

I am extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I am adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:
I’m never at my desk.

We will look into it – By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it too.

It is in process – So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

A Program – Any assignment that can’t be completed by one telephone call.

Expedite – To confound confusion with commotion?

Channels – Be trail left by the interoffice memo.

Coordinator – me guy who has a desk between two expeditors.

Consultant (or Expert) – Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.

To Activate – To make carbons and add more names to the memo.

To Implement a Program – Hire more people and expand the office.

Under Consideration – Never heard of it.

Under Active Consideration – We’re looking in the files for it.

A Meeting – A mass mulling by master minds.

A Conference – A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.

To Negotiate – To seek a meeting of minds without knocking together of heads.

Re-orientation – Getting used to working again.

Reliable Source – The guy you just met.

Informed Source – The guy who told the guy you just met.

A Clarification – To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

We Are Making A Survey – We need more time to think of an answer.

Note and Initial – Let’s spread the responsibility for this.

See Me, or Let’s Discuss – Come down to my office, I’m lonesome.

Let’s Get Together on This – I’m assuming you’re as confused as I am.

Give Us the Benefit of Your Present Thinking – We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already decided to do.

To Give Someone the Picture – A long, confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.

Will Advise You in Due Course – If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.


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